realisations of herself

there was a time when everything made sense for her. a time when her actions became absurd for the world. when randomness was a sign of security and chaos just a window through complexity.  when the invisible layers of her body became clear for her and sensitive to the world. what she assumed to be the perception of a new born. a sensible body made of trillions of unstable particles vibrating in infinite directions, clearly responding to the surroundings. the thoughts and eyes of the other were constantly reshaping her. the body was everything: young, old, herself and everybody else. the mind became clear and found the zero point. stillness. nothingness. not as a scary and alienated reality, just as an objective observed world and self.

 

then there was the hunger. the desire of uninterrupted clarity, the ability to follow the line of thought. the ability to map its complexity. to recognize the voices, to keep track of the parallel stories told in the background, to visualize each idea as a vibrating string with visible changing frequency. as her mind was just an overlap of soundscapes and she, the once passionate and febrile composer, became suddenly a very rational listener. as she could tune in and out of her own thoughts, play with volumes, fast forwards and rewinds.

 

then she felt understood. she felt she was not alone. she felt that they can shape the world. editing and film directing became abilities which could be transferred to the reality. everything was a science fiction movie, where all the theories ever enunciated about the universe were valid. all at the same time. no contradictions, just different perceptions of the same reality. words were just short confirmations for what seemed for her a complete and complex understanding in relation with the others. a brief ‘yes’ or the shortest eye contact were for her a profound reassurement of what she thought to be an identical inner world. the feeling that they were all equally involved in this essential transmutation to a new level of understanding, to an active awareness directed towards creating the collective reality. a silent agreement, an equal interest for change, an identical perception of an altered reality which seemed much more real and coherent than the usual one.

 

the spaces became places of her mind.

 

the people became answers to her questions.

 

the boundaries between her and the world disappeared.

 

the algorithms of the world became visible and suspended in the space. the algorithms of the bodies were obvious. they were all heading disaster. variables increases and decreasing until the end point is reached.

 

then there was the aftertaste. the taste of the actions of the world on a blurred self.

 

…an entire world behind her closed eye-lids. She is not part of it. She does not want to be. Numbness of the muscles. No idea in the mind. Denial of sight. Refusal of connection. She is not creating this world. She is not part of it.

…an entire world on the outer part of her skin. she is not feeling anything.

…an entire world on the inner part of her skin. a clear memory of who she was is. a taste which is not embodied anymore.

 

then there was the recovery. the slow re-appearance of a shapeless mind in a clearly defined identity. she embodied the questions and remembered she is an answer.

 

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